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In Buddhist Tantra is a method of using a seed syllable, imaged as a single letter and representing energy symbolized by a spiritual being, to open up to and in oneself the energy of enlightenment. Chōgyam Trungpa Rinpoche taught that the energy of confusion and ambiguity works as a seed syllable, also.
Generally, we want religion and spiritual practice to relieve of uncertainty and buttress certainty. We would like, when we feel disconnected from past certainty, to return to the faith that we seem to have lost. We may feel alienated from the Spirit and long to return to a felt sense of closeness with God.
No meditation student I have ever had, upon entering the class, would have said, "Brian, I am here to get confused and enter profound ambiguity. I am here to lose the faith I have thought I have had." Rather, persons enter for other reasons: feel close to God, have more peace, renew lost faith, …
And, indeed, that is okay, for where we enter the Stream is fine, but the Stream will surprise us, for it has a direction of its own. I try to "warn" beginning meditation students of this; I even tell them they will, likely, come to get angry with me as teacher. I want them to know that the motives they enter the Stream with are fine, often noble, but the Stream will take them elsewhere, also. Our entering priorities may not be the ultimate priorities of the Spirit of the Stream.
The Stream keeps going. We have respites along the way, as part of the flow, but we do not stop the current, for the Stream has the nature of life as vibrant and in process.
Meditation and spirituality, as process, has a wisdom that will not comply with our initial interests. What we discover if we keep practicing is the wisdom of confusion, ambiguity, and uncertainty. That is right, "wisdom."
So, what are we to do with all this emotion that seems like a load of unfaith and which may be experienced as threatening to religious devotion? Well, the practice opens us to see that often what we called faith was insecure and defined quite wrongly. We begin to see that what we called faith has been somewhat a matter of manipulation. The path shows us, thank God, that all the ambiguity and confusion is evidence that we are not as certain of ourselves, our belief system, or trust in Spirit as we thought. This is painful, but gracefully painful.
We, therefore, faithfully look into all the confusion, detaching from what I call false faith or a less mature faith. We move into all that cloudiness, a deep shade that we simply had not recognized before or had refused to admit. We might have been very comfortable hiding from the challenges to our belief system or what we have thought of as true. But, we quit hiding. We quit trying to appear to have it all together.
Before, we might even have been very critical of anyone who tried to get us to look at the possible unreality of some of our assumptions. But false faith keeps us asleep, from waking up, from realizing the wonders to which the Stream wants to lead us in Love. Waking up may be hard, but what a world awaits!
So, Rinpoche is right. We need a practice that opens us to natural confusion. That confusion is already all around us. The world is ambiguous. If we do not see all that, then, that is evidence we are asleep. We miss the beauty of confusion and the elegance of ambiguity if we are asleep to their true nature. For, truly, spiritual enlightenment, heaven and nirvana, are in this energy. This is one lesson of the Passion of Jesus Christ.
This is the irony of a religious seed syllable of confusion: true, very deep faith opens in beautiful splendor by integrating the energy of doubt and ambiguity as one with truth and certainty. Confusion itself becomes a wonderful part of the Journey; ambiguity becomes a welcome part of the Dance. Indeed, we find God in the confusion and ambiguity. God, as Spirit, is right in the middle of reality. God is equally in the question and the answer. We begin to live with God in all the apparent opposites. We welcome God into this life of ours, the one we did not want, and find God is waiting for us already, right there.
Jesus, as all great teachers, led his disciples through the crucible of the severe testing of their assumptions into a new life of vibrant and deep certainty, that in some ways appears much unlike most religious faith and spiritual theory. The Buddha did the same some 2500 years ago.
Truly, deep knowing is in unknowing. Yes, deep unknowing is in knowing. God will take care of us, in leading us to an amazing faith deeper, purer, and truer than we ever dreamed possible in this life. The more amazing is always the next step; trust allows us to go there.
Questions: How has confusion aided you in detaching from false faith? How has ambiguity aided your spiritual growth? Have you ever received a teacher from the Holy Spirit, one chosen to disturb "your" faith that you might grow to a more mature faith? Have you ever given thanks to that teacher for filling that role in your life? If not, why not do that, today?
OneLife Ministries is a pastoral outreach and nurture ministry of the First United Methodist Church, Fort Meade, FL. For Spiritual Direction, Pastoral Counseling, spiritual formation workshops, Christian meditation retreats, or more information about OneLife, write Rev. Dr. Brian K. Wilcox at briankwilcox@comcast.net.
Brian's book of mystical love poetry, An Ache for Union, can be ordered through major bookdealers.
Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors
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